I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
