i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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