I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
