I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
