I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Text me some of your sweat
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
