I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
