Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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