remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
