So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
i now understand why vodka
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
