I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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