I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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