I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
