ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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