There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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