ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize