No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
