Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
