My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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