Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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