I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
