I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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