How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
