If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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