Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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