p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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