He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
