So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
