why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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