I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
