I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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