How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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