I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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