Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
