I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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