Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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