I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
