Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
