I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
The best revenge is premature balding
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
