I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
