I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
