Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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