You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
