filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Enjoy the penises
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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