Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
