so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
