im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize