I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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