so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
