I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
