1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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