Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
