Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
